I have been really wanting to get started in blogging and thought about it for so long. I figure now is the time to share my story with others because I know I am not alone in this fight. I have no idea where to even begin with my story so I will start with when it all began for me. What I mean by when it all began is when I started the battle against depression and anxiety before I ever knew I had bipolar disorder or PMDD. It took years to get a proper diagnosis.
My struggle began when I was a junior in high school. A lot of people struggle at that age and I was no exception. Only my struggle always seemed to be deeper and go on longer than anyone else I hung around at the time. I have always been a very deep person. I feel everything very deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve. This just makes what I go through that much worse. I just could not figure out why I did not want to live. Why was I so unhappy. I had a home, a family who loved me, a job, good grades and a few friends I could go out and have fun with, during those years what else was there to life? I was always asked how I could feel this way when I have every reason to be happy and no reason to be sad. Well that is just not how it works. If you have depression you know what I am talking about. I cannot just simply snap out of it and be happy because the chemicals in my brain are constantly working against me.
I am going to keep this first post short. I have struggled for my entire adult life with these illnesses that some would just assume are not even real because they are to ignorant or uncomfortable to deal with them. So on top of the illnesses I have had to deal with the stigma. I thought of shades of gray because I always feel like I am living in that gray area. Overlooked, forgotten, perhaps feared at times. I am not a psycho, I am not dangerous to myself or others. I am not some news story with a tragic ending. I am a human being with a chemical imbalance. I struggle. I refuse to be swept under the rug or fall through the cracks. My life is worth living even as I struggle.